Attachment Disorders

Warning: Generalizations Ahead.

Last Sunday I was at Dashashvamedha, the public space hub of the city, a large open bathing ghat minutes from one of the city’s major intersections. A ghat is a boat landing. Banaras’s are distinctive terraces of stone piers and descending steps going back in some cases to the 18th century. The crowd at Dashshvamedha is fed by equal streams of religious, commercial and sightseeing traffic to and from Ganga, to and from nearby Vishvanath, the most important temple in the city, and to and from a lively shopping avenue from the intersection to the ghat. Sacred and secular life flow effortlessly together. Dashashvamedha is urban Banaras’s Sunday park.

It was the day after the biggest religious holiday in Banaras, Mahashivaratri, when Parvati, a manifestation of the Great Goddess, makes a householder out of the wild ascetic Shiva, the deity whose residence in Kashi is central to its identity as a tirtha (sacred crossing-place), by marrying him. Lots of human couples also get married on Mahashivaratri, and the ceremony which may last till dawn. Many come the next day to get the blessing of Shitala, the cool goddess who guards against the evils of the warm season, which has just begun. Her pitha or seat is above the Dashashvamedha promenade where folks walk from ghat to ghat, and gather on weekends to look, eat, fly kites, get massages and haircuts, do yoga and generally chill.

A number of couples sat on the weathered, wooden platforms where ghattias sit in the early morning attending to the ritual needs of bathers and pilgrims, and where at night local devotees and visitors sit and watch the religious theater of aarati puja, an evening worship ritual for which Dashashvamedha is especially known.

At Sunday midday they were still in their wedding costumes. The slender young brides in their gem-encrusted, gold-embroidered red wedding saris were stunning. They sat on the wooden platforms and looked shyly, or perhaps shell-shockedly down, their pallus (the portion of a sari that drapes the head) pulled way down over their faces so no one, not even their husbands, could see them. (Other brides, perhaps older and seemingly better acquainted with their grooms, showed their faces and basked in the attention of onlookers). The husbands were wearing cream or white wedding suits embroidered with rhinestones and red or maroon accents, and elaborate wedding turbans. They looked like princes of Rajput, which is the idea.

Consider: These couples had been up all night performing their wedding vows and maintaining the sober, dignified demeanor that is the obligation of the wedding pair amidst the merrymaking and congratulations from people in both extended families and the guests around them. The brides would have fasted for much of the day of the ceremony. They are leaving, usually at a very young age, their birth families to be thrust abruptly into a new family where they must will be expected to submit to the unfamiliar authority of their mothers-in-law as well as their husbands. Some have left their villages for the first time.

This is a lot to do in 24 hours as well as days of ritual that lead up to the wedding. So, faces covered, they weren’t saying much, conspicuously tied by a yellow sash to their husbands, who were tied right back (and yes, she walks behind him when they move). Yellow is the renunciant color: marriage, the sash eloquently says, is both renunciation and attachment.

Many of these newlyweds sat as far apart as their new umbilical cord would allow, their bodies turned in opposite directions, the covered bride looking down, the husband often bored, absolutely nothing to say to each other. Many had first met this person to whom they were now so visibly joined only in the last 24 hours (or, if they had previously met, it was briefly and decorously in the presence of relatives). Their marriages have been arranged by their families as (usually) a caste match and often an astrological one for those who can afford to have their charts cast. Hindus take wedding and death rites extremely seriously even if they are otherwise more casually observant.

Here are effective strangers often with scant sexual experience, about to establish a permanent sexual relationship (fourth day--more ceremonial, lots of flowers, the yellow sash comes off) before they’ve developed any sort of emotional connection. Americans have sex without any emotional connection often enough. That they don't have to stay together afterward seems pretty reckless to Indians. Nor is emotional intimacy particularly the goal of Hindu marriage, the tenderness of wedding vows notwithstanding.

New couples may not even have their own sleeping quarters. If there are separate bedrooms to be had (this is largely an economic issue), the family may sort out sleeping arrangements by gender rather than marital pair. When the young couple wants to sleep together (there are only so many ritually possible days, not when the wife has her menses, for example, an impure that also precludes her from cooking or entering a temple—-sensible time off from domestic responsibilities), they take over the kitchen for the night. The point being that household arrangements for the new couple do not facilitate emotional intimacy, though many couples must achieve it.

(Reality check on the generalizations: A college-educated dual-career couple that lives in Delhi may have dated, may be setting up their own independent household, and may still have a traditional ceremony. There are plenty of variations in courtship and marriage in a society as big as this one—-I'm talking about traditional marriage, alive and well at every level of society.)

There’s a lot of writing about the consequences. Mothers (wives deprived of close emotional connections to their husbands) focus on the kids. The mother-son bond is especially strong, not least because the presentation of a son finally makes the new wife really part of her husband’s family by ensuring its male lineage. (So what son needs an emotional connection to a wife?) Preceding the sociologists and psychologists are the mithya—Sati, whose husband Shiva really doesn’t care about her till she’s dead (from throwing herself on her father’s sacrificial fire), Radha who pines eternally for Krishna, who never stays with her and flirts with other women. The Krishna-Radhu story is often interpreted by devotees as a story about the soul’s pining for the divine, a reading I whole-heartedly embrace while noticing other interesting things about it.

In Haridwar, one of the great pilgrim tirthas, I saw a family tree mounted next to family portraits in the corridor of a lovely hotel overlooking Ganga (cold and fast-moving near the foothills of the Himalayas), the family business. Hand-inked on parchment were the names of the patriarch and the matriarch and all the sons and their wives and all the sons they had produced and their wives and sons for several generations—-no daughters anywhere. In the chronology of ancestral lineage they don’t exist.

Indians believe that such arrangements create strong families and generational stability. Sudhir Kakar, a psychoanalyst who writes about Indian sexuality and considers the Oedipal conflict largely a Western trauma, argues that the traditional arrangements of the Hindu family create anger and disappointment in women and fear and dread in men.

By a very different cultural route, this sounds like a whole lot like diagnoses of heterosexual romantic life in the U.S.